Hair removal horror story!

Must read to the end …. best laugh of the week !!!!

I laughed till tears came….Take a moment and read this…if you don’t laugh you do not have a pulse. Seriously read it – You’ll definitely laugh out loud!!!All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the wax. Read on…

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise…the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Ya think!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ‘Cold wax’…yeah…right! I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!!! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!!!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek…it was a long strip. I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! Oh my Gawd!!! Vision returning…I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. Crap!!!

Another deep breath and RIP!!! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy…a wax covered strip; the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There’s no hair on it!!! Where is the hair??? Where is the wax???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not!!! I touch. I am touching wax!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.


Then I make the next big mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut!!! My butt is sealed shut!!! Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do. I think to myself, ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!!!’ What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? Wrong!!!

I get in the tub. The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. This, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax. So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom. I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and have some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub.’ There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’ She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. Yeah…Right!!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!


By now, my brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace…the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and oh my gawd!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It’s sooooo painful, but I really don’t care…’It works!!! It works!!!’

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…the hair is still there…all of it!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now…nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair colour.


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7 thoughts on “Hair removal horror story!

Add yours

  1. Hi gals.

    I have been plagued by facial hair for so long and have tried creams, electrolysis which left a black marks on my skin, waxing etc until I found this amazing little tool called Epicare. It is just a lil spring with handles on either side. I love, love, love it. It is so affordable compared to laser where there is still no guarantee that facial hair will be totally gone. For gals who are used to threading this is the perfect D.I.Y. tool. Got mine at I have been using mine for 8 months now.


  2. Oh my god
    I did laugh a wee bit but I feel sorry for you.
    Must of been a pain in the doo-da to do (pun intended)

  3. Laugh a little bit?! My brother , niece and I laughed so hard we were crying!!!!! that is the most hilarious blog ive ever read!

  4. I worked with this wonderful, beautiful young woman who had distinct “mouth hairs” at the corners of her upper lip/mouth area. I completely understand how she became blind to it; it’s natural–we look in the mirror and don’t see our flaws over time. There were times when she would come to work and they would be gone–that lasted all of three days, then they became noticeable again.
    A few of us at work were so distracted by it; we really liked her a lot and we didn’t know how to address it, even if we should. One woman finally decided to do something and bought her a very nice hair removal gadget that zaps the hair so it won’t grow back for a long while. She put it in the girl’s desk drawer with a simple note “It’s distracting, and you are too beautiful NOT to use this.”
    We waited on pins and needles the following Monday. When she came to work, we all tried hard NOT to notice her, even talk to her. She however took the matter into her own hands.
    She spoke up in the break room during lunch with about eight people present.
    “I do not know who put the nice gift in my drawer on Friday. I really appreciate it, and I will use it, as you can see!” And in deed she had. She laughed and blushed and everyone applauded her.
    Sometimes we as people have to do things involving other people that make us uncomfortable, but hopefully it always works out for the better.

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